Tuesday, February 28
Today was better.
Something nice is happening. Actually, I don't know if it's nice or not but right now it seems nice.
So, there is some sort of joy, yes.
Apart from that,
there's less woe from yesterday mostly because I didn't get ghastly nightmares. These aren't nightmares really. They're wonderful moments in my dreams. I'm so happy in them. There are friends around me and there's the Boy, too. We're doing normal, fun things together. So much love and all.
But that's where the nightmare starts. I wake up in a sweat, wanting it to be real. On Sunday I woke up in tears. Is that a way to wake up?
But that's what happened.
I don't want to push the Boy out of my mind, I think he should fade out himself. If I forced myself to forget him... See, coercion would mean emphasis and importance. And I don't want that. I want him to go at the back of my mind and then fade out on his own. How am I helping him do that? How am I helping myself? Well, let's just say, I am. I know it.
Once again, thank you so much for all the lovely words. I truly appreciate them. And I am keeping them in mind.
Let's get back to some sketching then, shall we?
Hey, I drew a duck today.
It's a duck for Asha's story of Mr. Duck.
Psst...guess what! Fred's finally through. Yayy! I'm going to get the cheque in a day or two. yay!
Monday, February 27
Maybe I'm trying too hard to find good
Maybe that's just me, trying to look at the brighter side of things,
I don't know what it is, exactly.
But something's wrong
doesn't fit right.
Am I trying too hard to find happiness?
And very very tired.
Sunday, February 26
Saturday, February 25
There's something to be said about the feverish zest that comes froma nd leads to working all night and most of the day.
Doesn't superficiality get to people sometimes? How long can one continue to have phattic conversations ? Isn't there anything that matters to these people?
I suppose there's a bit of this in a lot of us. But there's a lot of it in some of us.
And that's the bother.
Why does it bother me?
Why can't I accept it at face value?
Why can't I be content with 'I'm ok'?
Why is it important for me to be honest, at all levels (and land up in cold spots every now and then because of it) ?
I don't know.
Why must I fortify myself and become stoic just so I can survive?
Something seems horrible wrong somewhere.
And not all of it is inside me.
Friday, February 24
and want to thank all of you for writing to me.
I've been struggling to concentrate fully on one thing at a time. I think one should do what one is doing at the moment with full concentration. So that's what I did this afternoon and most of last night as well. Infact, reading up about the technicalities of HIV and AIDS gave me some sort of a charge. No, I didn't see red and go charging people like a bull. The charge translated well into the document I'm working on, gave me new ideas in an enriching way.
The workload hasn't reduced but for some reason I'm not all that tense and stressed out. I'm groggy as hell (is hell groggy?) And my right hand and arm ache from all the typing (I know something needs to be done abotu the height of the keyboard desk. Later)> But things are well bcause I'm feeling so much better.
And I want to thanks you again for being so kind and writing nice nice things.
Today i'm going to draw something happy in my new sketchbook and maybe even paint something small. Anmd I'm inspired by the colourful fence from David's blog.
I also want to take out all my beads from the three bead boxes and make something. I find it therapeutic to work with beads and my collection of beads is full of surprises. I've put them in little bottles and jars of all shapes and have at one point of obsessive compulsive disorder(must've been the only time), even tried to catalogue them according to the material (shell, bone (kidding), button, plastic, glass, thread...) and colour (whites, blues, greens, reds and yellows etc...). I'd written a paper on beads once. It took me really long to write. Read up lots about them and I love the definition of a bead. Anything that can be strung is technically a bead! Isn't that lovely? (Yes, if someone put a thread through your foot and hung it, it would qualify as a bead too).
Key word for the day.
Let me go pull or the bright yellow tee shirt and look for a fuschia bottom.
Can't do it,
I'm not Govinda.
oh and before we get psochoanalytic,
this isn't me.
Thursday, February 23
This drawing is incongrous.
I'm not in a happy la la la smiling mood.
I'm damn scared.
How do people find peace of mind in the most mind-boggling situations?
I just have to tell myself it's not the end of the world. I tell myself hopeful things.
It doesn't always work
but I try.
Is there like a 5 minute stress buster that one can do in the middle of a technical gloop?
Something that will make me relax instantly, not get worked up and furrow my brows?
Wednesday, February 22
Tuesday, February 21
Now, i know a there is a lot of awareness about HIV and AIDS, but still, no harm in reminding each other to be careful.
There's too many precious things to still see, and do and smell and feel and eat and emote and breathe and produce... Be good to yourselves, will ya? Don't take your bodies for granted. Take care of your diabetic parents, monitor their menu, even if they mind it. Do it! It's good for them. Exercise, keep fit. Tell yourself, you're young, you shouldn't be slouching, getting tired already, lazy... Constantly remind yourself to take care, to use every moment well. Make the most out of it, however you choose to use it.
And, last but not the least....eat right. This is much more important than we think it is. It isn't just about being slim, dieting, keeping the carbs away etc. Pay attention to what you're eating. Every now and then, read up a bit about the kind of nutrition you're giving yourself. Eat healthy, eat enough energy giving food and protein enriched food and vitamins.
Be well, be good to yourself.
Fact is, HIV takes upto ten years to show up. AIDS isn't a disease, it's a syndrome, a condition during the last phases of the life of someone who is HIV positive. If you know what you should be eating, you can keep your cd4 cells way above 200, thereby keeping yourself healthy even with HIV, and keep those opportunistic infections away.
Saturday, February 18
Here are things I dislike.
* Rude behavior.
* Wastage of food.
* Wastage of money.
* Telling lies/not telling the whole truth.
* Men who treat women as dumb objects, who need to be told even things like what to say to the ticket seller across the counter.
* People who ill-treat the elderly.
* Pessimism ('we can't do a thing', 'what can be done?' etc)
* krrrgsssstt dishhh bangg traaalalaalop
* doing tags! Hahahahahah
Friday, February 17
Thursday, February 16
carrots 5 for a kg
lettuce 15 bucks for 25o gms
tomatoes 5 bucks for a kg
spring onions 10 bucks for a kg
spinach I forgot the price
cilantro 3 bucks for a bundle
mint 3 bucks for a bundle
Pakistan 161 all out
cauliflower 5 bucks a kg
raspberries 25 rupees for a kg
lemon 32 bucks a kg
bittergourd 20 bucks a kg
coconut 10 bucks for one
lotus roots 5 bucks for 250 gms
I went to the vegetable haat today.
India won the cricket match.
Listening to dave Mathews after a long time today.
And it's going to rain now. The air is suddenly cool and a bit nippy.
Things are working fine.
My ticket's done.
Work's getting finished soon.
Need to hunt for a job that will take me in after 5 months.
I think I will go to Auroville, afterall.
I've heard it's not too far from Bangalore.
So, if I can go to bangalore and meet those ngos, I can also make a trip to Auroville.
Enough thinking's been done already. And it isn't even enough yet. Paradoxes abound.
and bitter irony.
But then, aren't we all?
Is there ever a journey without a destination?
I mean, even when the destination isn't as important as th journey, the journey itself becomes the destination.
In that sense, is there ever a journey without a destination?
If yes, then I have just identified the present phase of my life.
Wednesday, February 15
Tuesday, February 14
I just don't feel like writing these days. I don't know why. It's not like there isn't much to say, that can never be possible. Even if there isn't too much excitement in the present life, there are always things to say...about the past or the future or the neighbor's dog, or the vegetable guy I met, or even the school kids I spoke to two days ago. And then, there's always my childhood to go back to.
No, it isn't that I don't have much to say.
I just don't feel like writing anything down. Perhaps I'm doing too much thinking and don't like to make the journey from mind to the tips of my fingers and then out on to the paper (or keyboard).
Whatever it is, it's making me draw a lot, instead.
And yes, I haven't gotten over my fetish for commas.
I met some interesting people today. Had to wait in a shop for many hours while the paperwork was getting done. Lord! It was a bore. But fun, in a very very lazy way. Gulped down several cups of chai and coffee. How can people work in a place that has a faint stink of pee? It made me feel sick. Of course, ma needed to walk around periodically, go outside and walk in the lawns because she kept feeling claustrophobic inside and also because her hot flushes kept playing the devil. Poor ma. These two things attack her in the most unexpected places and circumstances. Haha...reminds me of when she and I were in the planetarium in Jaipur some years ago, and she couldn't bear the idea of being in a room that was absolutely closed and had no light except for the imitation of a nightsky full of stars. She asked the people incharge to help if she needed to rush out immediately. They were nice, made us sit right next to the emergency exit. The room filled up with school kids in uniforms. And one old man wearing a monkey cap. It was a nice experience. Ma didn't have a hot flush, afterall. Maybe because she drank lots of water while the show was on.
So, hopefully all those frog illustrations are finally through.
Everyone, please pray for the pigeon that's sitting on her egg in the tulsi pot in my balcony for more than a week now. Please pray that the nasty crow doesn't eat the egg this time. I can see the pigeon's very very cautious this time. She hardly ever leaves the egg. I wonder how she manages to get food for herself.
I'm listening to the wonderful track from 'In the mood for love', by Shigeru Umibayashi. You know, the track that plays everytime she steps out to get some noodles...and meets the guy on the staircase... I love that film.
O, and this drawing is from a series I'm working on. It just happened to me.
And I just realised, for someone who says she doesn't feel like writing much these days, that's a really long post!
Monday, February 13
Sunday, February 12
You know, love is supposed to be happy. If it is anything else, something's really wrong. Now, perhaps this is a well known thing, but I realized it recently after struggling with certain facts lately. I've realized some things and although on one hand I hope like hell, they are wrong, on the other hand, I hope they aren't wrong for the simple reason that I can't take fluctuating ambiguity for too long now.
Tomorrow's going to be better, isn't it?