What to say?
Today was better.
Something nice is happening. Actually, I don't know if it's nice or not but right now it seems nice.
So, there is some sort of joy, yes.

Apart from that,
there's less woe from yesterday mostly because I didn't get ghastly nightmares. These aren't nightmares really. They're wonderful moments in my dreams. I'm so happy in them. There are friends around me and there's the Boy, too. We're doing normal, fun things together. So much love and all.
But that's where the nightmare starts. I wake up in a sweat, wanting it to be real. On Sunday I woke up in tears. Is that a way to wake up?
No!!

But that's what happened.


I don't want to push the Boy out of my mind, I think he should fade out himself. If I forced myself to forget him... See, coercion would mean emphasis and importance. And I don't want that. I want him to go at the back of my mind and then fade out on his own. How am I helping him do that? How am I helping myself? Well, let's just say, I am. I know it.

Once again, thank you so much for all the lovely words. I truly appreciate them. And I am keeping them in mind.

Let's get back to some sketching then, shall we?

Hey, I drew a duck today.
It's a duck for Asha's story of Mr. Duck.



Psst...guess what! Fred's finally through. Yayy! I'm going to get the cheque in a day or two. yay!


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I have no idea what it is.
Maybe I'm trying too hard to find good
joy
happiness.

Maybe.
Maybe that's just me, trying to look at the brighter side of things,
people
plants,
clothes,
roads,
minor accidents,
whatever.

I don't know what it is, exactly.
But something's wrong
doesn't fit right.

Am I trying too hard to find happiness?
I'm scared.

And very very tired.

Time out.

Nothing to say

11 hours is a lifetime

There's something to be said about the feverish zest that comes froma nd leads to working all night and most of the day.

Doesn't superficiality get to people sometimes? How long can one continue to have phattic conversations ? Isn't there anything that matters to these people?
I suppose there's a bit of this in a lot of us. But there's a lot of it in some of us.
And that's the bother.
Why does it bother me?
Why can't I accept it at face value?
Why can't I be content with 'I'm ok'?
Why is it important for me to be honest, at all levels (and land up in cold spots every now and then because of it) ?

I don't know.
But,
Why must I fortify myself and become stoic just so I can survive?

Something seems horrible wrong somewhere.

And not all of it is inside me.

I think I'm going to try and smile when I'm feeling too stressed out and pray like mad it's going to help.
Ha!

What do you get when you scan a contact sheet at low res?
This!

Running uphill running dowhill

I'm feeling fine...
smiling fine
and want to thank all of you for writing to me.

I've been struggling to concentrate fully on one thing at a time. I think one should do what one is doing at the moment with full concentration. So that's what I did this afternoon and most of last night as well. Infact, reading up about the technicalities of HIV and AIDS gave me some sort of a charge. No, I didn't see red and go charging people like a bull. The charge translated well into the document I'm working on, gave me new ideas in an enriching way.
The workload hasn't reduced but for some reason I'm not all that tense and stressed out. I'm groggy as hell (is hell groggy?) And my right hand and arm ache from all the typing (I know something needs to be done abotu the height of the keyboard desk. Later)> But things are well bcause I'm feeling so much better.

And I want to thanks you again for being so kind and writing nice nice things.
Today i'm going to draw something happy in my new sketchbook and maybe even paint something small. Anmd I'm inspired by the colourful fence from David's blog.
I also want to take out all my beads from the three bead boxes and make something. I find it therapeutic to work with beads and my collection of beads is full of surprises. I've put them in little bottles and jars of all shapes and have at one point of obsessive compulsive disorder(must've been the only time), even tried to catalogue them according to the material (shell, bone (kidding), button, plastic, glass, thread...) and colour (whites, blues, greens, reds and yellows etc...). I'd written a paper on beads once. It took me really long to write. Read up lots about them and I love the definition of a bead. Anything that can be strung is technically a bead! Isn't that lovely? (Yes, if someone put a thread through your foot and hung it, it would qualify as a bead too).

Colour.
Key word for the day.
Let me go pull or the bright yellow tee shirt and look for a fuschia bottom.
haha.
Can't do it,
I'm not Govinda.

heeehee






Made this.


oh and before we get psochoanalytic,
this isn't me.

Much to write about but i'll resist.

This drawing is incongrous.
I'm not in a happy la la la smiling mood.
I'm damn scared.

How do people find peace of mind in the most mind-boggling situations?
I just have to tell myself it's not the end of the world. I tell myself hopeful things.
It doesn't always work
but I try.

Is there like a 5 minute stress buster that one can do in the middle of a technical gloop?
Something that will make me relax instantly, not get worked up and furrow my brows?

Sigh

Hush

Frozen fingers.

Mine.